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I think three ums means you're rambling. I think three ums is a ramble. I took a card. So, Frank, the last of the giants, has a terrible secret.
In this cave, he has a fire pit. And then that fire pit, of course, burns a fire. However, it's not natural fire. It is a muse of fire.
And this is the Secret? The muse of the fire is named Steve. Steve the fire muse and Frank the giant are in love.
Consummated is a word I was trying really hard not to say. But it's one that's going to be there.
It's on tape now, buddy. If a fire muse and a giant want to get together, I say that's a-OK. The question is not, would I date a giant named Frank.
The question is, how did I ever get over it? Frank and Steve now live alone in this cave. So people, they don't know where he is, though? No, because it's very far away from the bubble village where the protective people live.
And every day, Frank the giant and Steve the fire muse do this thing that Mike's going to tell us. I've played "Once Upon a Time" every day for the last 17 years.
So I should really win this game. I've played it twice, maybe a handful of times. So what they do is, they will go down to the local swamp, right. Every area has a swamp.
Every cave has swamp attrition. They're popping up everywhere. You pay extra for that. So they have a pretty decent swamp. Which is kind of messy, though, I would imagine, because of the war.
Yeah, it's probably a lot more red than it used to be. And giants bleed a lot. Yeah, full of blood. A fire muse isn't threatened by the water in this swamp at all.
By the way, swamp. Glad you got that out there. Yes, the swamp was Arugapharrrrr. So, Phirman named the swamp rarrrrrr? I might have been missing a constant or a vowel.
Regional dialects give me a really hard time. So, the local swamp, they down there. And what they would do is, Steve the fire is actually kind of the ugly duckling of his family.
Hard to love, except by giants. Because not only is Arugapharrrr a swamp, it's actually Steve's parent. They're like those animals that only needs one to go forward.
It's not a sexual thing. An element birthed another element? The swamp gave birth to a fire muse? That's what happens after a global thermonuclear war.
Yeah, that's totally plausible. So they go down there every day to visit Steve's parents? Or what's left of them. Global thermonuclear war is also not good for the wetlands and living and swamp folk.
So they go down there, and it's kind of like giant to a graveyard, going to a cemetery. So they go down there and they're very sad.
And what they do is, pass. They go down there to make a plan. They're planning how they can express their love physically. Because normally the heat of Steve's fire keeps them apart.
And that's when it occurs tell them that if only the giant were actually a robot, made of metal with the high melting point, he could hug Steve.
If only he were a robot. Fairy tales are full of robots. All three little pigs? But they need make a plan so that Frank the giant can become Frank the giant robot and express his love to Steve.
Their one goal, Frank and Steve, is to also become parents and have a child together. They don't know exactly how that's going to work between a giant who wants to be a robot and a fire muse.
So Frank needed to figure out how to become robot, or part robot, and he did that by passing to Amy Berg.
Well, they didn't do it yet, because it was actually a bone of contention between them. And they would argue relentlessly about this. And even Steve's parents got involved.
Frankly, they didn't want Frank to be with their son in the first place. There was another fire muse down the river they really wanted to set up Steve with.
So on this particular day when they had gone down to visit Steve's parents and hatched the plan to convert, somehow, Frank into a robot, Steve's parents dropped this terrible bombshell on them.
Not the actual bomb. No, that already happened. They revealed to Steve, we just don't think Frank is right for you. We think fire muses should be with other fire muses.
Lone cave-dwelling giants should be allowed to marry fire muses if they choose. Even if they're born of different elements.
Steve and Frank responded the way that you would expect them to respond. They said, your opinion eats a dick. You have a card for that? I wish I did.
They left the swamp. They said, Steve's parents, Mr. Muse, we will never see you again. Because we only need to have people who support us in our lives.
And they went deep into a nearby forest and began mining the materials necessary to build the exoskeleton of the robot. An exoskeleton for their love.
Now, as Frank was pulling large pieces of ore from the earth, they heard a voice behind a tree, and it said something from Mike Phirman.
Playing with Wil is a little like playing with a vampire where, if you're a foot away from him, he can glamour you when he starts telling his details and you forget you are supposed to be interrupting him and playing as well.
So that voice said, you guys should not be here. You guys are off limits. This mining area belongs to the kingdom. Like, the bubble kingdom? Or is it a different kingdom?
No, like, the bubble kingdom. Which was named Djrjhjan. I really hope we don't go back to the swamp because I don't remember that one.
The swamp was named Arugapharrrr. Mike's coming up with some names that are really funny, but are really hard to remember.
So when I get a chance to tell the story, I have to move to new locations because I can't remember the names of the old locations.
I don't know why anyone is having a problem with inventing words because, first of all, "arugapharrrr" is a word already.
Steven and Frank are like, yeah, we're just going to be here for, like, a few minutes. We're getting a little bit of ore.
And then we'll be out of here. Yeah, and he's like, oh let me guess. You guys are making some kind of exoskeleton to down download your brain into so you guys can be together.
Like a love robot. And they're like, are you serious? You know about that? How do you-- And he's like, look, I'm the spirit of the forest.
And I'm just telling you this because I'm very wise. And I'm trying to help you guys out. Here's what you need to do. You guys need to go to a much different place, like Kahiman or Albuquerque.
What are those places? Oh, those are different locations on the other side of the water. But what kind of locations?
Oh there are also mines, deserts, cliffs. Do they houses at all? Oh, some of them are near villages. It's very important that it was near a village.
I can't wait to find out why. What's the name of this particular village? Well, the mine was near a village called Robot Town. Robot Village, I mean to say.
It aspires to be Robot Town one day. One day It helps to become a city. But only if enough revenue is generated by their key industry.
The key industry in Robot Village is the creation of love robot suits. I'm really struggling at this point, because I've got a dead-weight card in my hand, which is "clothes.
So unless one of the other players happens to randomly say, and by the way, he's made a fire and has no clothes, I'm not really going get to play this card.
So they traveled all day and they traveled all night, and they finally got to Robot Village, where they said, we want to acquire one of the love robots so we can be together.
Well, the people in the village were shocked to see a giant, frankly. Because they had a whole war had broken out. And Frank was the last of the giants.
So they were totally scared. I actually know what happened. I think they chase them out of the village, Wil. No, I think you played in aspect and I've got an interrupt.
I will tell you exactly what happened. The villagers were frightened by Frank's largesse. They were confused by Steve the talking fire, they'd never seen that before.
Yeah, it's a big deal. So the villagers quickly formed a council, as they so often do, and the council said, let's keep them here.
Let's make them part of the village. But we're never really going to give them a robot suit. We'll just sort of string them along.
They were making mischief. They were making terrible mischief. And Frank and Steve came into this group, and they were now given a group of little companions.
There were four little dudes, little villager guys. They were little dudes? They were so tiny. Yep, they were so tiny. And what were their names, those four dudes?
Deedle, Dum, Horrachman, and Dave. Why'd you look at me? Yeah, of course, Dave. I just remember a harrrrrr sent at me, which I think was Amy.
As a reaction to the names that I've put out, I think Amy was trying to harrrrr for having made her make so many sounds today. Really, they're not just, like, hanging around them.
Yes they're like spies. Tiny spies are the worst. Because you never see them coming. Frank's huge, so they'd need to be in his hand for him to hang out with them.
So what happens when he's with these companions? Do they take him somewhere? Well, the companions are disguised as his friends.
But, in fact, are secret agents from the swamp. From the swamp of Arugapharrrr. They were sent by Steve's parents to keep an eye on them.
Because although they threw their hands up and said, get the hell out of here, we don't approve of your love. It's Frank and Eve, not Frank and Steve.
They still love their son, and they want to make sure he's OK. So they've sent these four little companions, whose names you guys will remember. Was it Tweedle or Dum?
A series of guttural noises and Dave. To keep them apart. Is that what you said? Yeah, well, now they're settled.
They're actually enjoying living together in peace. And they have these four companions, who they think are there for their amusement.
That's a lot of talking without a card, Amy Berg. That was a lot of talking without a card. Their goal was to chase them out of the village so they would, once again, be on the run.
They wanted to create chaos in their lives. To break them up. That's a nasty plot by that swamp. They are bad people, super bad people.
So now, having been deceived by their new companions, the companions say to them, let's go on a mission. Because we know that there is a great treasure that we are going to go on the hunt for.
So they head out into the deepest, darkest of deep, dark forests. And they begin the hunt for the treasure. And as they go out and find the treasure, the treasure, as it turns out, is at the bottom of a well.
When Wil laid down with the well, I thought, oh, well, I clearly have a shot at this. I mean, everybody moved out of the way.
I got them right there. The problem is, I still have like five cards. Basically, everybody else is going to have to stop talking for like a half hour for me to get through these things plausibly and to reach evildoers being at the bottom of this well.
Now, this presents a problem. This presents a real problem. Because if Steve the fire muse goes into the well in an effort to pick up the treasure, he'll be quenched.
So as he looks there, he says to Frank, Frank, you're too much of a giant to go into this well. But I can go into this well.
And I can pull up the treasure for you. Who was saying this? This is Steve, saying this to Frank, as the companion stand back like this. But he knows that if he does that, he will be forever lost.
I know that this is a cooperative game. I've made a very big deal about how this is not about winning the game. But it's tabletop where I never win.
I am one card away from victory, and I got them talking about companions. That's tough for Frank. It's really tough for Frank. Yeah, he's super sad about that.
He's like, dude, please, lover, Steve. Please, gosh, don't do that. I mean, I will go. I can build a deeper well. I can just sort of like, you know, go in there like, brraahh.
And then create a bigger well. I can get the treasure. You don't need to go in there. So Frank does this. And he gets stuck. He does this and he gets stuck.
And in order to save Frank, Steve has to make the ultimate sacrifice. Steve's got to go down the well. Steve goes down the well. Where Frank is currently.
Yes, where Frank is. And he rescues his beloved. How many cards do you have left there, Hidey? Unfortunately, this results in his demise.
Frank gets to the top of the well. And he's all alone, and he's injured, of course. But eventually his would was healed. But his heart remained broken forever.
That's a really sad story. I mean, they blew up this entire people. And then he lost the one person that loved him. That's a bummer story.
And Frank's got to go back to the swamp, to tell the parents. Oh my god, he's got to tell the parents. They die in the expanded universe.
You've used all your cards. You've brought the story to a satisfying conclusion. You stole it away from me with one card left to go.
I was there, I was on the doorstep. I think I'm going to go ahead and declare you the winner of "Once Upon a Time. I think we worked together to tell an incredibly satisfying story.
And I know this is the losers' couch, but I feel like we're not really losers today. In that sense, we're losers. But listen, hang out on this couch.
I spend a lot of time here, so I know. I'm going to go downstairs and present Amy with her award. This is so cool. I'm going to fill in your information on it.
So go ahead and give me your back here. Cross off "largest recursive kitchen. And the "TableTop" story champ. Presented to Amy Berg!
With an exclamation point. Let me sign it so its all official. And here you go. Here, let me seal it so everyone knows it's not fake.
Oh my god, it's official now. Make your victory speech. Well, It's kind of what I do for a living. Until next time, play more games, and we'll see you right back here on "TableTop.
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